Would You Nationalise Sausages ?

 

Asked in the spirit of Christmas what gift they would leave for each other under the Christmas tree, Mr Corbyn said he would give a copy of Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol for his counterpart. Mr Johnson offered a copy of his Brexit deal or a pot of damson jam for the Opposition leader

 

One of the remarkable features of this second “Brexit election” was that the Conservative party totally hoovered up the Brexit party. Maybe Farage foresaw this, maybe it was his strange local radio intervention with President Trump (who would have thought it!) but when the party withdrew from half its seats it opened up Boris Johnson to lead team Brexit. It was as close as a merger you could get without a formal agreement.

The election was noticeable for some of the candidates who didn’t stand. Not only the great Faragster but some of the others and the reasons behind it weren’t all straightforward.  First step forward Keith Vaz, the original “cloud” politician (as in under a cloud). He’s been under suspicion since before some first time voters were born. That’s incredible, and even more so that he’s only now calling it a day. The scandal-father of the house has had some impressive scrapes. Who can forget his support for Salman Rushdie back in the 1980’s? Well obviously Keith could as he then led a march to ban Rushdie’s book! He was censured in 2000 for failing to register donations and was involved in the Hinduja citizenship affair, yet oddly, unlike Peter Mandelson, he didn’t lose his job. He went from denial of receiving money to denial of receiving gain to just simply blaming his wife. He did stand down for health reasons in 2002 while also facing a bunch of standards complaints and rather oddly claiming someone was hassling his mum, only to later admit they weren’t.

He helped a billionaire avoid deportation for fraud charges, then his life just got weirder and weirder. He claimed $173k in expenses including the costs of a London flat despite living 45 minutes away. He may have voted for counter terrorism legislation in exchange for a knighthood, was called a crook of the first order by paid lobbyists and then when he couldn’t top his performance he became Jim a washing machine salesman who had unprotected sex with male prostitutes and offered to buy him cocaine. On a more serious note he was accused of bullying by staff.

Are there any odder non-candidates? Well there are plenty of vile racists, exposed from previous or recent social media postings. Antony Calvert, a Conservative, was one who stood down after an awful joke about Col Gadhafi in 2009. Gideon Bull (Labour) stood down after realising shylock may be a racist’s term. Kevin McNamara a Lib Dem managed to be found out for a 2009 tweet where he used the “n” word – and again he stood down. He wasn’t the only Lib Dem to stand down. Tim Walker stood down in Canterbury to prevent a Conservative victory, not a bad idea but the party didn’t agree and hastily stood another candidate in his place! The conservatives managed to top that trick – twice. Charles Elphicke, currently charged with sexual assault and in and out of the Tory party was replaced with ….Natalie his wife. Andrew Griffiths who resigned as a Minister after sending sexual text messages to constituents (not as part of his canvassing I assume) stood down for Kate Griffiths his “estranged” wife. Nick Conrad at least managed to be sexist, suggesting rape victims should keep their knickers on. And Dudley North, a place not a person, where the Brexit candidate stood down just because he could!

One of the best lines in the campaign came from the Lib Dems, who generally had a terrible campaign. On the week in Westminster they talked about “the greatest free trade deal in the history of this planet “– as if there is scope for comparative analysis? The Lib Dems were contorted on the idea of Article 50, wanting to revoke it but then acknowledging it could only happen if they formed a majority government – so the real policy was a second referendum.

Radio 4 was a little odd during this election, including the wonderful comment that with his soapbox and speaker John Major was the first hipster politician. I think Oliver Baldwin with his chickens may have been but whose arguing.

There was a wonderful debate on the World Tonight, also on Radio 4 where David Willets, former head of Mrs Thatcher’s policy unit praised the reverse in corporation tax cuts. It all seems like economic differences in tone – are we entering a new consensus on Tax? If so what will our new Butskellism be called? Javdonald perhaps or Macvid?

But what of those odd individual contests. Dominic Grieve, an ex-Tory MP was standing as an independent. The Lib Dems gave him their support but the Tories chose Joy Morrissey (no not the BNP campaign slogan) an American born actor as their candidate. She grew up with posters of Regan and Thatcher on her walls (I sincerely doubt this) and was a teenage competitive chicken breeder (I sincerely want to doubt this) before working for IDS.

Boris’s videos. It’s a mark of how this election is being fought in a whole new space that the Tory campaign has centred around the loveable TV character “ Boris “. This is best illustrated through the two campaign broadcasts that are bordering on political character cannibalism. The first is a kind of low budget Guy Ritchie comedy affair. “ Eer Bowis tell us about Bwexit eh wat a larf “

 

Then there’s the Love Actually spoof. Now I say spoof but I haven’t seen the film so can only assume that the creepy thing is somehow meant to warm the cockles. I would ring the police but who knows.

 

Perhaps Boris is just post-buffoonery. We accept and expect a certain level of mock indignation, exasperation and stupidity and therefore discount it from the transaction. Whether its hiding in a fridge ( which in reality was a refrigerated room rather than a small kitchen appliance ) or discussing how to put jam and cream on a scone or even the illogical “ Oven ready deal slam it in the microwave “ we don’t expect anything higher, more logical or to demonstrate any capability. But people still love him and come and talk about foreigners and dog shit and jellied eels. He truly is, as Peter Hennessy observed, busking it. His lowlight may have been confiscating a journalist’s phone, his high point ….well that his trick kept working.

Then as if we weren’t squirming and embarrassed enough along came Gove. It seemed that Gove and Angela Rayner had a twitter stoush over Stormzy (what is a Stormzy cries every High Court Judge). Stormzy had advocated that people register to vote and that he was supporting Jeremy Corbyn. This spat came to a head when Gove tweeted a Stormzy lyric “ I set trends dem man copy “ for which he was chastised by many particularly for what was seen as a twitter equivalent of “blackface’. And if Gove wasn’t then Daniel Hananan tweeting “ Big man ting” certainly was. This was followed up by Jacob Rees-Mogg tweeting “Fuck the Government and Fuck Boris “[1] Stormzy later retorted that it was the equivalent of Pob trying to hang out in the Bronx. No he didn’t, Pob in the Bronx would be funny. Stormzy saw it as a way for Gove to push rappers back into their lane, not speak of politics just entertain. Gove was the random pop up man for the election and performed as the Tory hit man on many occasions, whether it was turning up for debates he hadn’t been invited to or just being a plonker on Twitter he no doubt earned a post-election promotion.

 

The chaos of Question Times under 30’s special (the audience not the panel) was the entertainment spectacle of the decade if not of all time. Nigel Farage told the audience he couldn’t apologise for the truth and said the audience was full of bile and prejudice – nice touch. Angela Rayner just shouts out at random times the Corbyn bingo card, as other speak she shouts “ Bedroom Tax” “Austerity” “ Alistair Darling “ even the Poll Tax gets a shout out. The SNP ask her to apologise for Alistair Darling having said he planned cuts after the 2010 election. What an odd request.

Then we get onto meat consumption which leads to the famous sausage nationalisation question. The highlight of the election, indeed of any election ever held, for me. Prior to that though Farage had said meat arguments were false arguments and the token tory, Robert someone said we should try “small things “. It’s unclear if he is advocating a micro diet or eating insects. It hopefully not advocacy of mince pies, for an SNP candidate is reported to the police for handing out mince pies.

 

The campaigns most surreal moment though was the revelation that Jeremy Corbyn couldn’t be trusted because he said he watched the Queens Christmas speech IN THE MORNING! Any stiff upper lipped true brit knows it is shown in the afternoon. How dare he! The usual subjects were apoplectic and enraged. This was worse than the standard he’s a terrorist sympathiser line often trotted out.

The polls consistently pointed to a Conservative lead, the question was never whether Labour would win but could the Conservatives lose. The nightmare scenario for Boris and co was that they would end up with a slim or non-existent majority and need a further coalition or minority support party. There seemed little chance of any of the parties supporting them without some form of major concession either on the process ( Lib Dems ) or the content of the deal (DUP) and in some ways this was the Brexit schism of the Brexit election ( not the 2017 Brexit election but the 2019 one ) . It seemed plausible that a small majority would pass the withdrawal agreement but be able to do little else forcing the need for another election on the direction of the post withdrawal agreement world. It would be wrong to think either of the major parties offered a clear vision on what that would or could look like.

[1] One of these tweets didn’t happen. You decide.

Lord Zac

 

 

Seedy lists of party apparatchiks appointed by power hungry party leaders & insulated from any democratic pressure for 15 yrs? No thanks.

All good things must come to an end

 “I felt that, in order to be a minister, you effectively have to have a lobotomy and lose all sense of independence.

We can be conscious in the decisions we make as much as possible, but I don’t think you can wag your finger and tell people ‘you’ve got to eliminate your pollution footprint’, because that would require people to live like monks.”

His party SUPPORTS A WEALTH TAX on FAMILY JEWELLERY.” 

Of course I regret the portrayal of the campaign,” 

In 10 years’ time,” he mused in 2000, “I might be an eco-terrorist. But I’ll take the most effective path, whatever that is.

I do not need a career in this world,”

“I’m hoping to do a Leicester City and zoom in from behind to win.”

I’ve never sought to hide who I am. I was dealt a very good hand and I’ve always tried to play it well.”

“I can think of… I can’t think of a favourite, though I love the whole… I love almost everything about Bollywood,”

“I love the atmosphere, I love the colour, I love the excitement. I want as much colour as possible here in London.”

 “I’m going to stop you there because most people have a route, I have two routes … I want to answer this one, most people have a route or two routes and they become like an extension of the body and you use those routes, not for ethical reasons, but because it is the only way to get around London without being late for meetings.”

“You are being a charlatan on this.”

I could just go to the horse races and take lovely holidays,” he admits, “but I have some strong views and I want to make a difference.”

Keeping Britain out of the euro calamity is my father’s legacy, 

“A Conservative who is not also in his heart an environmentalist cannot legitimately be described as a Conservative.”

“The two million or so residents who live beneath the Heathrow flight path are accustomed to the noise. However, they are right to feel that any expansion would represent an unacceptable broken promise.”

“Politics colours everything, and anyone who wants change is necessarily political. As an environmental campaigner more or less since I left school in the early ’90s, I have always been involved in lobbying, campaigning and pushing for changes.”

“Leonardo DiCaprio is a rare phenomenon. Whereas for so many celebrities an interest in the environment is a fashionable accessory, for DiCaprio it is a thread that runs through everything he does.”

Theresa May’s Candide Premiership

The whole Brexit debate has probably been worth it to hear Michael Gove (POB) do his Vicky Pollard impression. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WluyCXzpLsw

 

Gove’s speech is getting rave reviews. I don’t rate it as highly as Michael Foots one under similar circumstances but that’s for another day.

The political mess and chaos of Brexit still seems to have a long way to run. Quite whether this is a Corn Law moment remains to be seen, will the plates shift that much. I still doubt it. The moment for the political classes to represent the pro and anti European agenda was any time over the last 50 years. Now it just seems too late.

Yet there are glimpses that this seems possible. You cant really see how a post Brexit Jacob Rees Mogg ( who now wants to shut Parliament down ) can sit in the same party and Government as Teresa May. But then look at Michael Gove. One of the so called brains of the Brexit campaign. The man who talked up freedom and control is now talking of the dangers to primary industry from no deal. There was never talk of “deals” in 2016. The Chief Brexiteer is now arguing for a new customs union with everything that comes with it. Mogg is content to have a WTO free trade arrangement, Gove wants to start the process of closer economic ties with the rest of Europe. We know how that ends !

The Parliamentary debates have been providing entertainment and punch ups galore. The ERG bloc who tried to remove Teresa May before Xmas laughably fell in behind a confidence vote in her Government. They may have clipped her wings, but clipping the wings of a Dodo is hardly a task with much reward or benefit.

May’s biggest challenge is keeping the Government majority intact. The DUP have taken a mind boggling stance, where they smash things to pieces, put the pieces back together then retreat to find a bigger hammer. Then put the newly bashed pieces in a kaleidoscope in the dark ..then bash it some more. Northern Ireland voted to remain and some sort of deal that was close to a customs union / single market would no doubt have great appeal to the only land border in the UK. For the DUP the border is an issue of faith. The tension this puts on the fractious Union is obvious and the DUP prop up the Government.

Oddly Mays best way out of this may be a General Election. Her unpopularity in Westminster may not be such an issue in the country at large. If Parliament wont pass her deal but the public vote for her the authority and end point are cleaner and more straight forward than the idea of a Second Referendum. The election might have shades of 1918 or 1922. Its hard to see how a Second Referendum doesn’t lead to a Third.

Which leads to Jeremy Corbyn. For the opposition the challenge is just as great as for May. The European split doesn’t sit neatly in Labour and the only positively and clearly pro EU party in the Liberal Democrats have hardly surged since Brexit.

Planning for the No Deal Brexit have been beyond parody. An Ealing version of Britain ( but remember Passport to Pimlico doesn’t end well for the Brexiteers ) . While the planning is centred around a shipping company with no ships and a take-away menu for its charter. No doubt the Brexit movie will be phenomenal, but the reality seems a little grimier. Whether its stockpiling drugs,  slaughtering 6 million sheep or queuing for hours at the port it all feels like a strange kind of liberation. There will though be Cheese and Onion Crisps. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-q3KvfmTJM

The main issue with Brexit though hasn’t changed since 24 June 2016. The EU can never and will never accept a deal that can in any way be in the UK’s favour. Perhaps May could have played a longer or shorter game, but whatever the rules were rigged. Without serious reform the EU will punish the UK for its cheek at leaving and will do all it can to make sure no one else would ever try it.

But then what ? Will the political landscape be changed ? Life goes on so to speak. Issues like Trade or Agricultural Policy are things most of us have never spent much time thinking of. Suddenly they will dominate the landscape for years. The consequences of these changes are monumental, whether we, or the policymakers understand them. Then there is the Irish Border. Back into our political lexicon with a vengeance. Many of us had hoped it had gone away. The return of a patrolled, governed border. Northern Irelands other major party, Sinn Fein are silent in the Parliamentary debates. Ironically many see the Brexit debate, even with Sinn Fein’s abstention , as potentially accelerating a united Ireland. Irony comes in all shapes and sizes.

Brexiteers now seem like Jane Austen’s Emma having finally completed her trip to Box hill. For her whole existence she had wanted to venture out to see somewhere and something different. She realises there is risk and that her Father is advising against it. Yet when she is there, not only does she realise the event is not going to be as successful and spectacular as she hoped but her own actions undermine the very idea that it could be a success. Having longed for Sovereignty, the Brexit brigade now seem to find that that involves making decisions and taking choices. Many of which seem to make things worse and worse.

And perhaps the most British response to preparation for No Deal has now occurred. A trial traffic jam in Kent. We are practicing what would happen in the event of lorries being held up for bureaucratic reasons. Oddly one of the driving reasons for leaving the EU was silly regulations and red tape. Now look at us. Practicing queuing. Of course its hard to believe no one can forecast what a traffic jam might look like. The act of undertaking a practice seems to be part of the theatre of getting people ready for the collapse that will follow.

Somehow it feels like Brexit chaos is only just beginning. I hope I am wrong.